To good friends

Last night I went out with a group of my friends to hear another friends band. Big deal you say, do it all the time.
But what is special about this group of friends is that we have been friends, some of us, since we were 6 years old. (I'll let you do the math).
Some of us have known each other since grade school, some since junior high and some since high school, but the point is that we have known each other for a very, very long time. We are all very different. Two are still married to their high school boyfriends, a couple of us have been married and single for a very long time and one just found her independence from an unhealthy long term relationship and joined us for the first time in a long time. Our life experiences have taken put us on many varied paths from one who has just gotten her first job, to a professional geologist and everything in between. Some have been thru the loss of parents, other experiencing the transition of becoming the caretakers of elderly parents.

I ask you, is there anything better then having a group of people who knew you when? They knew you when you kissed your first boyfriend in 3rd grade. They were with you as a cheerleader, when the school bullies ganged up on you, when you got your first real boyfriend, husband, kids, etc. They remember you as a gawky kid, a skinny teenager and a rebellious twenty something.
Marriages came along, so did kids. Life took us in different directions and before email, we sometimes lost touch with each other except for christmas cards and word of mouth thru one or the other of us. But when it is all said and done, they are the real friends in life. Even thogh you might not see for months, sometimes even years, when you do it is like the time has never passed. And I positively know that if I ever found myself in need of any one of them, they would be there for me, as I would them, in a heartbeat.

I love the fact that as middle aged women we have found ourselves and each other once again. We can laugh at our wrinkles, and sagging asses. We can oh and ah over grand kids. We can compare notes about middle age dating misadventures. But what is so very cool is that we have all turned into awesome, independant and beautfiul women. We go out and have fun letting loose in a way that we never would have in our youth. We don't care if anyone laughs at us or thinks we are crazy. We are. We are crazy with the freedom to be our own women in the company of girls who knew us when!

To all of you "girls". I love you and cherish your friendship that after a literal lifetime you are once again and still in my life. You are all FABULOUS!

The power of power tools

Ifyou read my last blog you remember the clogged drain. I tried all day to get someone out here to fix it, but I guess no one needs the work, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I mean, I have plumbed many a sink, surely I can get one unplugged. So off I go to home depot.
Since I had tried the drain opener and it didn't work I went to the tool rental center to rent a drain snake. And this wasn't just any drain snake, it was a POWER drain snake. Oh, be still my pattering heart. So after lugging it to the car, up the steps and into the kitchen,(the darn thing was really heavy) and after many more trips to the garage for tools, flashlights, etc. I was ready to dis-assemble the drain and start the adventure.
Now I don't know if you've ever snaked a drain, but it is DISGUSTING, I mean nasty, nasty, disgusting. But after 25 feet of cable (all there was) I pulled it back in and let me tell you, if what was on the end of that snake was even close to what was clogging that drain, not suprised it wasn't draining.
So after holding my breath, and many swear words about how icky the crap on my hands was, I ran the water. and ran it and ran it. SUCCESS!! It drained. Can I describe the power (not to mention the smell)?
Now I have done a lot of home improvements, but the sound of that water going down the pipes and knowing that I did it, was a crowning achievment in home improvements.
Yes, I have a new love affair and his name is "power snake" LOL

Why I don't cook

Ok, so anyone who knows me knows that I don't cook. Not that I can't cook. I just don't. There is nothing about the experience that I enjoy. Plus, for one person, I would rather throw a pizza in my pizza oven and be done it 10 minutes with no effort. I mean, even having to open multiple packets and mix ingredients together is more than I am willing to do.

But every once in a while I get a hankering for some good tortellini and sauce. Today was one of those days. So after braving walmart on the first saturday of the month, (a whole 'nother subject for a blog) I got everything I needed and embarked on dinner.

I sauteed the sausage, diced the tomatoes, onions, mushrooms. Watched as it simmered into perfection, boiled the spinach tortellini, cooked the biscuits to go along. It was progressing quite nicely, smelled divine and was spiced to perfection.

I drained the pasta and as I was draining it I noticed that the water level in the sink was not dropping, in fact, it was becoming very clear that my sink was not draining. What the ?. Oh yes, the sink is clogged. So I have a perfect dinner, with many dirty pans and a clogged sink. Talk about a sure dinner killer. So before I could even enjoy my dinner I had to run to the hardware store and get some drain cleaner. Didn't work. So now I get to enjoy dinner all day via the icky pasta water in my sink, until the drain guy can get here.

Frozen pizza-3 bucks, home cooked meal 145.00. Think next time I get a hunger for tortellini I'll go out to eat!

compassion

Something I read yesterday started me thinking about compassion. Is it something we can only feel when we are doing better than those we are feeling compassion for?

Is it OK to not feel sorry for someone losing their job when you are unemployed? Is it OK to secretly feel that you hope they now feel what you have been going through? I guess that is something we have to answer for and to ourselves.

So what is the real reason that people do nice things for other people. Is it because we want others to praise us for it and think we are a good person because we do? Is it because it makes us feel better than them to be able to do something for them? If we are truly compassionate, our own circumstances should have nothing to do with how we feel about anther's situation. If someone is truly altruistic not having doesn't stop them from giving.
Does our own misfortune give us license to not have to feel bad about somone elses? Does the day in and out drama of trying to survive in life make us immune to others troubles?

Or is there a difference between feeling compassion and feeling sorry for people?

That I can relate to. Now I feel sorry for people who lose their jobs and I always feel that there but for the grace of God go I. I don't feel sorry for people who lose their houses because they bought houses they couldn't afford at inflated prices because they had to have more than they really needed. Does that make me a mean person? I don't think so. I have always been very careful to live within my means, foregoing luxuries that others had to be able to know, if I did lose my job, I wouldn't lose my home. I expect others to be responsible also and in fact I kind of resent it when someone trips thru life expecting others to bail them out no matter how bad they screw up.

But I DO feel compassion for the mother who just lost their child, or the family who just lost their father or mother. I feel compassion for the people who struggle against insurmountable odds to live a life in a body that fails them, who live with horrendous pain that makes each day an indescribable horror. These are that I can't make better, no amount of money is going to bring back a loved one, or make the pain go away. All I have to offer those people is my heart. And that is not dependant on how much money I make or my own situation in life. It is, however, dependant on who I am as a person, and while I may not be the most helpful person on the planet I would like to think that no matter my situation, I will still be able to feel compassion. And hopefully, Though I may not be able to step in an help out financially, I will always be able to offer a shoulder for a friend who is having a difficult time no matter my own situation.

in praise of new luggage

I am so excited. I just got new luggage! Now I am sure you all are saying "what in the heck is so exciting about luggage"!

Well, it's not just new luggage, it is a matched set of Tiganello luggage with red leather trim. It is well made and it is beautiful. A mercedes of luggage. Once again, you are probably saying big deal. But to me, having a good, matched set of luggage is tantamount to saying to myself that I have arrived! It is a symbol to me, like a mercedes or a huge honking diamond. It says, look at me, I have it together and I am cool. Ok, maybe I am not a tycoon, and certainly not together, but while I am pulling that luggage I can pretend. I can be an heiress jetting away for a vacation, I can be a CEO going to an important meeting. I can be whomever I want with that luggage in tow.

I remember when I was a teenager, being at the airport and seeing a woman with a matched set of really great luggage and thinking that she must be really successful. I mean, everyone else had mis-matched, black, blah luggage and here was this woman looking very smart with her great luggage. Right then I said that if I ever traveled I would get a nice set. Well, I used to travel for work and I bought a nice set of luggage. It was brown/black zebra tapestry and it was as cool as I could do on what I made at the time. Little did I know that luggage would see me thru 3 trips to Europe, 3 cruises and too many road trips to count. It finally bit the big one after a cruise this year. Could I get it fixed, probably, but it has earned the right to rest.

So I decided before I go to Greece this year it was time to invest in a really good set that will probably outlast me. Enter the beautiful new luggage.

I feel kind of bad setting it next to the old set. I mean, that luggage has been a work horse, and having been an ex replaced by an 18 year younger new wife, I know how that luggage must feel!
But I can't help being excited. I keep opening it up and looking at the integrated shoe pockets, the little packs that snap into the lining to keep them from moving around, I pull out the handles that operate so smoothly. I can't wait to pack my first items in it and go to the airport. Now I get to be that woman that others look at, the woman that makes a teenage girl look and hope that someday she can be successful and have a matched set of luggage!

being single...

Ok, so as I'm going thru the comments the other day I noticed the one that someone thought was obviously going to be a dire prediciton, "you better plan on being single for the rest of your life"!

Now I ask you, what the hell is wrong with that? I mean, is being with someone who abuses you, cheats on you, gambles all your money away, or is just plain an ass to you somehow better because you aren't alone? Does being with a loser somehow make you a winner?
I used to own several nail salons and spent, I figured out one time, almost 32,000 hours in one on one conversation with women. The one thing I took away from all this, is that for the most part, we can't be alone. We are raised to think that in order to be "complete" or "successful" we have to have a man. After all, only a loser can't find a guy. If you are single there must be something wrong with you.

Now granted, that was 13 years ago and there are so many more single women around now and the mentality is starting to shift as more and more women CHOOSE to be single, never having married. Aghast, yes, CHOOSE to not share their life with someone who is not going to make it a better place. But when I look around me at the single friends I have, for the most part, they are still in search of a man and everyone they date becomes a hopeful mate, whether they are suitable or not.

So I wonder, is there something that genetically pre-disposes us to feeling we need a man in our lives? Or is it that we are just so scared of being alone or of what everyone will think if we don't have a man? Have we been socially conditioned thru media to believe that life can't be full without the "hero" to save us and take care of us? Are we conditioned to think being co-dependant is a GOOD thing?

Take a look at the women you know. How many would truly say they are happy or would marry again if something happened to their husband? At lunch one day, out of the 8 women at our table no one said they would marry again. Hmm... I wonder what they would do though if they were actually faced with being alone.
I told a friend when she got divorced years ago, that if she wanted to have another relationship that she should do it before she got used to being single. (yes, you know who you are!). Because once you actually embrace being single, being able to come and go as you please, not having to share the bed, eat when you feel like it (and what you feel like eating), and best of all, buy those new shoes, dress, trip to Italy without having to ask or listen to the grief. whoo hoo... being single is such a hardship.

Now I have been married, twice as a matter of fact. First time my husband turned out to be scizophrenic and delusional and obviously had been on meds when I met him but decided he didn't need them once he had me in his life to take care of him. Wrong, got my own issues to deal with. The second time, well, nice guy but I was dealing with (or better put, not dealing with) 4 years of severe physical abuse as a teenager and he was dealing with guilt over not being a live in father, so when he cheated on me there was no reason to keep pretending I was happy, so that was over. So I am not making these observations from a lifetime of being single although at this point, I have been divorced twice as many years as I was married total. Funny, the single years have gone alot faster than the married parts.

To be fair, when I first got divorced I thought I had to get back into a relationship (actually I am still "best friends" with that person. But thank god they were smart enough to realize that it wasn't what I needed. And I have dated here and there, but as the years go by I feel less and less inclined to even attempt dating. (see first blog) Why bother, I know I don't want someone in my space. I am a died thru and thru loner and have finally stopped feeling like I have to feel bad about it.

Now that's not to say there aren't some good relationships out there, but if they were the norm instead of the exception we wouldn't have so many unhappy women and such a high divorce rate. My parents have been married for 54 years, but I can guarantee my mom would say (in fact, she has) that she would never have gotten married if she had known.
So am I happy alone. YOU BET. Love it, I travel to Europe once a year, hog the bed, wear my sweats all day on the weekend without showering and can spend the whole weekend reading on my deck if I feel like it. I can buy killer boots when I feel like it and I always have intelligent conversation and the responses are never argumentative.
What, I ask you is there not be happy about!

crazy people., they're everywhere!

Have you ever noticed the number of people walking around totally crazy who think they are the model of sanity? They can't figure out why their lives suck. Everything that happens to them is always someone elses' fault. Never theirs. What they don't realize is they are crazy. I mean seriously, if you are in a group of 100 people chances are good that at least 10 of them (not a scientific figure btw) has an undiagnosed mental illness of some sort. I can think of aquantainces I have, and I see several who, if they actually wanted to change their lives could do so with a good dose of therapy and anti-depressants.
Bi-polar, cyclothymic, borderline personality, Obsessive-compulsive disorder, hoarding, ADHD, authority oppositional disorder, I see them all. Now a person doesn't have to be debilitated and unable to live life to have a mental illness, (or personality disorders, which are probably more common than actual mental illnes), in fact, most live very fullfilled and successful lives. Some of our most famous artists and scientists were menatlly ill. So back to my original statement.
These are the people who always have chaos going on in their lives, but never take any responsiblity for it. They have alcohol/gambling/sex addictions, rotten relationships, and are dysfunctional in most areas of their lives. But instead of looking inside for something that is intrinsically wrong with themselves, they blame it on their upbringing/boss/spouse/lousy luck, color of their socks on any given day. Now not saying some of those things might not be a factor, (ok, the socks are a stretch, but admittting weakness and the fact that you might have a mental disorder takes a really strong sense of self and an admission that your life is out of control and you might not have control over it.
I am sure you are saying, how dare I!! Well, I dare because when I was in my early 20's I was diagnosed as bi-polar. My life had been out of control for so many years and I didn't know why. After I was diagnosed,for years I didn't tell anyone, I was ashamed and I fought against it, denied it, after all it meant I wasn't perfect. And I had tried so hard to be perfect. When I was in my late 30's I finally quit fighting it and embraced it. In actuality, at this point in my life I am cyclothymic, and I don't have the low, lows or really high highs. Just good old fashioned depression balanced by great energy highs and I am a rapid cycler, so neither last very long, so by all rights I am more "normal" than most of the so called normal people I know. How can I possibly say I an "normal"? Because I know myself. I understand that there are times when functioning is going to be hard. But I do it. I also know there are times when the world speeds up and I am superwoman. This too shall pass. Add in some ADHD and dyslexia and yes, I could be one of those people in denial, blaming every bad thing in my life on someone else, pretending that there is nothing wrong, but you know what? I don't really have much bad stuff, because I go with the flow of my life instead of trying to make the flow go with me.
So to all of you 'normal' people, who look down your noses at those who you feel are inferior because they have "imperfections" and of course you don't, because you are perfect. (even though you can't figure out why your life is so out of control) Keep on thinking that way.
Because as I watch you all go thru life you make me feel really SANE!!

Younger men?

So today, as I was scraping paint off the floor at a friends house, I started thinking maybe I should do this blog stuff. What the heck, I like to write, have been told I seem to have alot to say, (no, not me!) and since writing is supposed to be good for the soul, I thought, hell, why not.
So what do I know to write about. Well, at 52 and going kicking and screaming into middle? age, (guess if I live to be 104), what better subject than aging not so gracefully.
So my first proufound Blog is about dating in middle age.
I have always dated younger men, anywhere from 10-15 years younger. My ex (the 2nd one) is the only man I had ever dated that was older than me. Ever. Of course, I always used to look at least 10 years younger (notice the used to, now I'd give it a couple of years, max). And why did I date younger guys? Some would say that it was (is) a reflection of my emotional maturity. They probably aren't wrong. But I'd like to think it was because the younger guys wanted to date me.
But at my advanced age, and seeing a middle aged? woman face looking back at me in the mirror (and none to happy about it I might add) when someone my own age asked me out I decided to try it.
It seemed to be going well, I mean we knew the same songs, we watched the same shows, he remembered what he was doing when Kennedy was shot. Hell, he was actually ALIVE when Kennedy was shot! He had morals (more about that later) and he thought it was good to wait til we knew each other better to have sex. (Should have been a clue).
It went well for awhile, but after we got comfortable with each other things started. Things I've never noticed with younger guys. Sure he liked to go out dancing but sit down to watch a movie and he was out in the chair. Now, if we had been dating for years I could handle that, but hey, after a couple of months? And the hat. Ok, dating younger guys, I've never dated a bald guy, and I should have guessed when the hat hadn't come off in several dates, but he was bald!! Now you say, I am shallow, if I liked him it wouldn't matter. And it wouldn't have but, but darn it, when he took off his hat he looked just like my GRANDPA!!! Especially with his "readers" on. And I don't mean figuratively, but literally, he looked just like my grandpa. Not a deal breaker yet, but almost.
It's not looking too good. But hey, I'm giving it a try here. So I persist. I mean, he is fun, not much deep and serious conversation, but he dances so you know what that means!
We have a makeout session. Not bad, He can kiss. Might get past the bald grandpa look. Oh, and did I mention, I've never dated a guy with a gut. Ever. Hate them. I am sorry if you have one, but to me a guy that looks like he is 7 months pregnant is not sexy. It's not healty, it's bad for your back, etc, etc. (no, I am not perfect but I still wear the same size I did when I was 18). But, like I said, I am trying hard here.
So comes the big night, 4 months into the relationship. NOW I KNOW WHY I DON'T DATE OLDER MEN!!! Now I have a friend who dated someone who almost OD on viagra to keep up with her. (yes, that is really true) My older guy should have made friends with him and borrowed a couple! You guessed it. Now, that is not a big deal, it happens now and then, even with younger guys. But the first time after NO sex for 4 months? Not a good sign. Plus add in the bald head, cartoon boxers (come on, who could POSSIBLY think cartoon boxers are sexy?) the gut and love handles, and I wasn't all that disappointed it didn't happen.
So are we still dating? No, but we are still friends and I think he is a nice guy and I wish him luck in the future.
So I am back to "dating" my younger guy. But at my age "younger" is all relative! LOL